There is a real art to non sleazy flirting and this guy had it down pat. I found myself relaxing and enjoying his company. I wasn’t particularly attracted to him but it still felt great. If being attracted or not, is not the reason for the absence of sleaze, what is? It got me to thinking why someone else doing almost the same thing would feel slimy to me. What is the difference?
What makes the key difference to me is that there was no unconscious neediness coming from him… he wasn’t possessed by what he needed from me sexually… he wasn’t blind to how his sexual need was effecting me… he could actually *see* me. He was aware of how I was feeling and watching how I was reacting to his words… He was paying attention to me and the intent behind his words was to make me feel good. He wasn’t unconsciously taking… he was consciously giving… He wasn’t unconsciously trying to have power over me sexually… he was giving me honor.
One doesn’t need to learn the trickery of pick up artists to make genuine connections… or attract lovers or partners… or even one night stands or flings… One needs to tune in and be aware of one’s own motives… and take the time to see… really see, and be aware of how our words and actions are affecting the person we are approaching. Not just see, but care. Good old empathy. Having our potential lover’s well being at heart really makes a difference.
Being successful in the dating world isn’t centred around being the best looking person… the richest… We’ve all seen plenty of examples of folks who aren’t considered conventionally attractive or wealthy being very successful with dating. Many try to mimic these successful daters and work out their “play” when in reality, all they need to do is be real, be self-aware and learn to feel empathy towards the person they are flirting with… actually be present with the person they are flirting with… Yes we do sometimes need to learn how to do this but it’s a path of self-development and self-awareness, not tricks, learned formulas and manipulations. – Artemisia de Vine