Me: “You do realise that you wee out of your penis right? Waste comes out the same passage that cum does… clearly God doesn’t mind mixing the two. Seems to me he is a fan of multi-purpose design.”
I blurted this post out on facebook in the wee hours this morning. A friend asked to forward it so here it is in sharable blog-form, all rough and raw like my heart…
Ah this familiar nut. How to gently guide new lovers into ways of being that are not modelled after male-arousal-system-centric porn? How to gently let them know that my arousal system just doesn’t work that way and that what they’ve been taught by example their whole life is only half the picture. That they are actually going to have to change from the base assumption up before they become the extraordinary lover I know they can be… Before my needs can truly be met… before their potential pleasure can be significantly and dramatically expanded too…
As a Conscious Sexuality practitioner and Escort I can guide them. They expect it. They seek me out precisely because I will lead them into lived experiences of engaging with their sexuality… and mine… from a much richer place. A place that truly gets female-bodied arousal and taps into far more of their own.
But how to gently guide a personal lover without falling into teacher/work mode and without crushing their ego? Afterall it’s not their fault. The information just hasn’t been available for them to learn in most cases! They are not selfish. They are glorious sexual beings following their delicious intuition and what they’ve been exposed to. Most of them are very eager to please me!
It is just that our whole culture hasn’t even had a language for the kind of sex that fulfils me. Female-bodied folk haven’t even known it about ourselves to ask for it! It’s been cruelly invisible and tucked away in the wordless places on a collective cultural level… Only catching glimpses of it but not truly, intentionally letting it pour on out in the gushing, rushing wonder that is possible.
The female-bodied arousal sexual model that really harnesses our full potential is new for us all. As is embodied mindful sexuality in general. Holistically connected sexuality… conscious sexuality…
It is just not as easy as asking new lovers for certain acts to be done a certain way. The whole damn sexual ideology has to shift in its foundations.
I know how to get there. I cannot be satisfied by the old sexual paradigm anymore. I have to guide my lovers there… but back to the old nut… working out how to show them without ruining everything… It is particularly tricky when I crave someone who can take the lead so I can let go but they are intimidated by my knowledge.
It is such a tricky fix. Perhaps I am supposed to know the answer already but I don’t. This unknowing gives me empathy for my lovers and their unknowing.
About the Author: Artemisia de Vine is a Sydney-based escort and conscious erotic arts practitioner who offers sessions that are a mixture of learning, playing and exploring sexuality. She has two websites, one for those more enticed by the sensual end of the spectrum and one for those more wired to explore kink and BDSM. You can join her mailing list or follow her on Twitter.
As a whore, I don’t want to be treated as a pretty pet to pass the time with. I choose to be seen as the skilled practitioner in her sexual power and beauty who is capable of taking clients on erotic journeys and experiences into themselves… giving them a chance to feel what it is like to be with a sexually empowered and embodied woman.
Many whores I know are fiercely fabulous, self-aware, connected sexual beings. The thing is, we are so limited in where we can advertise and get our message out there… The brothels and the adult services directories frame sex work in a way that is counter to the above implying we are there to simply physical vessels to pleasure submissively… that we are an item on the menu… sets of physical features with polite customer service formulaic conversational styles.
I see us as more akin to tango teachers and expert dance partners… part counsellor, part companion, part playmate, part sex educator, part priestess to guide you into the erotic mysteries… Someone with a skill to share and respect. I see myself as a representative of the archetypal woman, who knows how to help you explore you inner world through sexual play.
Self discovery… Play… Pleasure…Comfort…. Holistic connection with our whole beings through sexual energy…
Some advertising sites have done a semi effective job of countering the image that we are merely physical bodies with submissive, pre-scripted phrases but they still don’t quite get it right. It’s still a case of us having to present ourselves within a framework that assumes certain values and ways of being. There is still internalized whorephobia and sexism coded into the framework that disadvantages clients and sexuality professionals alike.
Imagine how much would change if we re-framed that whole culture of representation. What if we choose to think of a whore as a sexual life coach who you approach with respect because they are an expert in their field? Or a holistic companion to engage with you on all levels? Then perhaps you can consciously negotiate sexual power roles together… Maybe she or he is more than happy to be the sexual submissive on their knees to please and treat you like royalty… Maybe she or he prefers to be the one who takes the lead and guide you to pleasing them… Or guide you to discovering aspects of yourself you didn’t know were there… Either way is fine. There is the world of difference in being a sexually submissive woman when that role is consciously negotiated compared to when it is just assumed that all female whores are sexually submissive and subservient.
I draw to me clients who think along those lines. Many men truly adore women and are respectful, genuine clients who are delighted to discover what is possible down the erotic rabbit hole but the culture of industry itself makes it hard for them too. The way we frame sex work needs to change so we can all access juicier play.
My housemate introduced me to the term “fractally wrong” last night. Brilliant term!
For those who do not know what a fractal is, my layman way of describing it is a pattern that is made up of tiny versions of the same pattern… and when you look closer even the little patterns are made up of even smaller versions of the same pattern… which are made up of even smaller versions of the same pattern.
You know when you encounter someone who is blind to their privilege and pronounces truths about those in comparitively non privileged positions but doesn’t get why they are wrong… the white, het, cis male thinking he gets sexism but is clearly basing his whole point of view on assumptions that are products of sexism upon sexism upon sexism… or the well meaning white hippy who thinks they aren’t racist… or the tantra culture that constantly reinforces unconscious disastrous gender roles by their use of the concepts “masculine” and “feminine”… or those outsiders talking about sex work like they really know all about it but don’t get it at all…
You try to explain to them but just can’t because its so overwhelming. In order to tackle the dumb thing they just said you’d have to tackle the assumption that it was based on… and the assumptions that assumption was based on… and the assumptions that those assumptions were based on… yeah that’s fractally wrong.
Too overwhelming to even address especially if you encounter those comments multiple times a day… you just come accross as angry and unreasonable while they think they have the moral higher ground.